Who Am I That You Are Mindful Of Me?

The last week has been quite an eventful one for me and for many others in my church body. A little over a week ago, our church along with some other churches we are related to in Sovereign Grace Ministries, met up in Gainesville, FL for something we call "Celebration". It is simply a time for us to come together for teaching, prayer, worship, and seeking the Lord. This was not my first Celebration, but it was the first one with our new church body and I was excited in anticipation for what God might do in our church corporately as well as what he might reveal to me. I was excited to see friends from other churches I have not seen in quite a while, and I was hopeful and expectant for whatever God had in store.

Looking back at some notes I had written a few days before the conference, I saw one of the things I was hoping for was to receive spiritual gifts. I did not really specify which ones, but prophecy was one I have always desired. After I wrote that, I forgot about it until I read it again yesterday. The reason I mention this is because God did some amazing things in me that weekend. I received from the Lord in a very powerful way.

Although I received from the Lord, what I received was not exactly what would have been my first choice. The cool thing about this is that I was able to use this gift from the Holy Spirit while we were at Celebration and also a few days after we returned from FL. It was an awesome display of God's power. It built my faith and ecouraged me, and I hope it did the same for others. Another thing it did was to show me that God knows exactly how he can use us, and that is very cool. I am very thankful that God would choose to bless me by bestowing gifts upon me. I know that he does not need me in way to accomplish his purpose and his will. He is all he needs to do that, but he chose to show me his glory by allowing me to take part in something magnificent.

Here's the struggle I am having with what He has done in me. I am excited at what God has done, and I think it's ok to be excited about receiving a gift; just like I want my kids to enjoy the gifts that I give to them. The thing is, I am so very aware of the pride and arrogance that lurks in my heart. I am afraid that my exictement could turn into pride. I have often desired gifts from God and then said, "I am so full of pride, I would rather not be used." I know that He is working in my heart and bringing closer to humility each day, but I am afraid of my pride. I am afraid of what it might lead to.

Since this new gift has been given, I have daily been praying and seeking the Lord even more fervently, asking him to reveal sin and not to let me walk in pride. My heart was so convicted today when He showed me where some of that pride is hding. It was unrelated to how He has used me, but nevertheless, He was faithful to show me where I am not walking in humility. Seeing this really caused such broken-heartedenss in me. I was so burdened by what I saw that I forgot to look to Christ and his redemption. Thankfully, as I unloaded what was on my heart to my husband tonight, he was so faithful to lead me to the cross. He reminded me that the very thing I am afraid of and have been praying about is what God is showing me so that I can repent and be free.

As He continues to work in my heart and change me, I see that it is good to enjoy what he gives. It is good to desire to be used by him. I pray this will cause a deeper and more intimate relationship with Him. I pray that my heart will continually be drawn to Christ alone. I pray that I will never to be more impressed with myself or the gifts He gives; that I would only ever be in complete awe of who He is and that He could ever choose to love me. I pray that my only focus would remain to bring him glory.